My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize