apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So here I am, sexting at work.
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