I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
