so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
