rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
