I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
