Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
