Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize