There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize