my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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