i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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