My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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