Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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