Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I didn't notice because vodka
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
