I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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