Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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