i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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