jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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