I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
