Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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