Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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