I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
