Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
