Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
