If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
