peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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