Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
