I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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