I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
