I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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