Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
