Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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