Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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