if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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