something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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