she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
