I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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