Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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