tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
