I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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