***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
