found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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