Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Are my feet made of real feet?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
