She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
