The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
