Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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