Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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