3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
