i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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