a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
