I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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