ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize