my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
