i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
