He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
