I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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