Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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