i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
