did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
