so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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