those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
