Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You ate ashes out of my bong
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
